By Mitch Mundy, LAPC
We are all having an ongoing conversation within ourselves. Funny enough, that conversation seems to be dominated by us talking about ourselves and what’s happening in our life. It’s not as easily heard as a narrating monologue that a character has in a TV show, but if you listen closely enough, you can hear it. Of course, you will hear your thoughts as well as your own version of facts and opinions. “Susie didn’t call me back.” “I made a mistake.” “It’s hard meeting new people.” If you listen mindfully enough you will also hear things like the tone of the conversation. Is it relaxed? Judgmental? Fast paced? Afraid? Curious? Compassionate? Too often do we attempt to shape our inner dialogues by forcing the thoughts to look a certain way. We neglect the way in which we are speaking to ourselves in ways we would never do in a conversation with another person.
If you’re anything like me, I find it very difficult to control the content of my thoughts. Things distract me, I get off track, creativity even interrupts rational thinking! Our thoughts are often spontaneous and can be difficult to “control”. What I find much easier to influence is the tone in which I am thinking. Interestingly enough, that tone tends to lead to the production of thoughts congruent to that tone.”I have a long day at work tomorrow” thought with a dreadful tone, leads to more thoughts about how dreadful the day will be. “I have a long day of work tomorrow” thought with a tone of seriousness leads to thoughts of preparation and productivity.
Popular psychology has championed the power of positive thinking over the last few decades. Positive thinking can be a powerful tool when you are able to apply it. “Tomorrow will be a good day.” “I am loved and cared for.” and “This will surely pass.” are all great thoughts that can lead to the experiences that your thoughts suggest. But what if you are facing pure hardship? Or you are feeling too depressed or anxious to muster up such positive thoughts? Sometimes the soil isn’t deep enough for a positive thought to take root. That’s when tone can make all the difference.
Being intentional about how we speak to ourselves can start by simply noticing what tone I am currently using. Acknowledging if I am thinking harshly, angrily, or fearfully can open the door to change. Often, noticing harshness leads to softer criticism. Naming anger towards myself leads to the diffusion of that anger. Calling out my fear, prompts me to apply some reassurance or self encouragement.
Life is full of great challenges, fulfilling moments, and difficulty. The posture we take going through it can make all the difference. That posture starts with how we relate to ourselves. Can we be encouraging? Curious? Compassionate? Serious? If we can, it could shape our thoughts, and over time shape our lives.
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